Where to step?

I feel that I am broken almost completely now. Overtime I have recognized the cracks, and lately they have been widening. I say lately, but it's been years.
So the fear is what to do, or more accurately, how to do something different.
How to pull this dead marriage out of it's death chair and bury it. Especially when my partner refuses to acknowledge the final decay.
I want more and don't see any way to find it with him.
I want deep love, I want partnership, support, understanding, mutual respect, friendship. I also want to be alone, to actually process the feeling of relaxation when I am alone, to not have to jump when I think I am going to be caught doing so. Because I don't deserve it. Because he is out there working and functioning and keeping us afloat. I am not entitled to any rewards until I free myself from my dysfunction, thereby freeing him. I do not have any idea how to free myself, and think I can only do it by letting go of those I hold close. I can no longer subject others to my misery and as I see no way to end it for myself, I have to let them go.
I don't believe that this will end it for me, but it doesn't help to have him in my life, it only fuels breath on my neck, negative reinforcement, self defeat.

Where is the axis?

Almost 41 now!

Still stuck, struggling a bit harder, but missing immediate female support.

Anyone else struggling these days?

About Time!

SO it's been awhile. Seems I am good at losing steam. The dreams come in, and wash out again, never to be realized. Where is the kink in my makeup that leaves me so full of fear and so devoid of motivation, sticktoitiveness? And how do I unkink it? I'm not sure that it really is fear.

I have pushed myself into trying things, completed some, and yet I never fully commit. To ANYTHING!

I'm not throwing a pity party here, I am truly perplexed by what makes me so very lazy.

If I was giving advice to someone else, I would tell them to get it together and push through the sloth. Maybe not great advice.

I think maybe I never grew up, never stopped being a bratty little girl. I think I am actually brattier now than I was as a child!

On Board!

HA HA to the AHA!

children are certainly the most worthwhile education experience we could ever ask for!

i think that's why they used to make me uncomfortable.

i will spin off of your new mission and say that my latest will be, to be sure to tune into the lessons the universe is offering through ALL children, but especially my daughter, because certainly, who is a better reflection of where my inner work lies?

AHA!

Mission Statement Challenge

Yep, a challenge alright. I think my old one was to just make it through without thinking something negative and stop resisting whatever comes my way. Today I create a new one that is less limiting and one that will help me to see that I am my worst enemy!

Today I challenge myself to recognize EGO and see the painbody in all its forms and to choose otherwise. Hell yea!

Its my mantra today. My son reminded me of a simple thing called "choice". I've told him a thousand times that choices direct our thought and actions. Yesterday he said "mom I thought you would have made a better choice." Out of the mouths of babes.

Sending out Love and Light.

A new mission statement!

So.
after serious discussion of divorce, it has finally come down to me facing my flaws, accepting that they exist and now, it's time to truly deal with them.
Here is the problem:    i have grown so accustomed to ignoring, defending, denying, and qualifying that i am not sure when the stuff is rearing it's head.
For years i have been closed off to my partner, never allowing him to offer a hand in my personal struggles. instead i focused on what he was doing wrong, making things up in my head about what he was doing, all to be able to push him away, so that i didn't have to get close and feel vulnerable.
Now, i have been dealing with the same stuff for over 20 years i guess, i HAVE moved passed a couple of things, i think, unless i am fooling myself. So i feel very frustrated that i am still acting like a scorned teenage girl.
I am playing out my anger for someone else(not sure who), on my husband, who in the beginning, tried to let me figure my way through the maze on my own, as i said i had to do, and still, i hold him at arms length, still i force a role onto him that does not belong, still i make no progress.
And STILL, he is HERE!
I fooled myself into thinking that i had it all figured out and if i walked away from this marriage i would would only excel in life.
I was wrong. I was blaming him for reacting to years of emotional abuse(for lack of a better term) with his own anger, i blamed him for shutting me out and walking away, when i was the one who sent him every message to do so. I set it up so that he had no say, and he knew it, and then i blamed him for having feelings about it all.
Here is my new mission statement:
I will take action and acknowledge all the fallacies i set in motion, i will see them for what they are, i will find a way to create a healthy reality for myself, and inevitably, my marriage, i will set up a new core belief and move forward with it.
I will let him off the hook, and try to patch the holes it left in his soul.

living the now.

if we create our reality, and strive to live in the now, but the now is ever changing, how do you know if the decisions you make are right?
i am an impulsive person, if i wait and think about something, i lose my drive. i make a decision, and sometimes find that i shouldn't have made the choice i did. how am i supposed to trust myself?
i suppose i can say that every choice is divine, we are thrown down a path by decision, and can make of it what we will, try to abstain from feelings of regret and forge a new path, but when it comes to involving other peoples lives and emotions, that seems pretty selfish.
lindsay reminded me today of a fantasy i had as a kid, one i know others have too, that life is really a dream, or an alternate reality, as if my true self is in some other dimension, watching this self struggle through, like i am an experiment.
life is a game, not a game that you win or lose once, it is a constant of wins and losses, seems the true contest lies in who can recover or hold on through all the hard stuff and carry on to the next ingestion of agony or bliss.

"war has forced me into action"

as i watch the contents of my marriage spill away, i cease to care.
listening to an episode of "this American life" i heard those words: "war has forced me into action", it feels completely applicable to my life right now. things have so deteriorated that i see no more that i can do, one person in a marriage can only do so much, if both people aren't working to move forward and heal, there is no way to go forward together. we are not a team.
not caring allows me to start planning for a happier life, and whatever i end up creating for myself, and my daughter will allow for good things to come in. whether or not we end up leaving in the end, creating something for myself will begin to fulfill me and open doors that i had closed on myself.
my first task is finding a job, maybe it won't be soulful, but that's okay for now.
once i am settled in some work, i can start saving up to find a place to live. and that right there is part of the problem, i am not living, i have been coasting through life waiting for things to happen, never proactive.
so here i am, forced into action. i am job searching. taking the first necessary step towards creating a life.

my mission statement

i am 38 years old and i have been waiting most of that time for my purpose to strike me.

this past year i decided that i wanted to find a way to support and nurture other women, i wanted to connect women with resources and a support system, to enable and fortify their inner strength. i have so many special women in my life and have always wanted to connect them, because they all offer such special knowledge and gifts. i want it to be bigger than my immediate life, i want all women to share in the blessings and know women who build each other up.  

there are times when we falter in life and don't know where to reach to steady ourselves, to find the answers that are not evident to us.

i know that when i stumble there is someone who can help guide me towards the answers that i may or may not have inside, sometimes we need a little steering. there are times when we should be seeking the help of others, but fear asking for it. 

for whatever reasons. 

but we are essentially "pack animals", we need each other, and together we can all move forward, bettering ourselves, and therefore the world around us. 

so here it is, 

my "mission statement": i endeavor to gather women together in a community, reaching as far as possible, bringing us together to embolden all, in the hopes of healing our wounded souls, and inevitably saving the world as we know it! we can make a better world for our children and the children around us if we all just band together.