living the now.

if we create our reality, and strive to live in the now, but the now is ever changing, how do you know if the decisions you make are right?
i am an impulsive person, if i wait and think about something, i lose my drive. i make a decision, and sometimes find that i shouldn't have made the choice i did. how am i supposed to trust myself?
i suppose i can say that every choice is divine, we are thrown down a path by decision, and can make of it what we will, try to abstain from feelings of regret and forge a new path, but when it comes to involving other peoples lives and emotions, that seems pretty selfish.
lindsay reminded me today of a fantasy i had as a kid, one i know others have too, that life is really a dream, or an alternate reality, as if my true self is in some other dimension, watching this self struggle through, like i am an experiment.
life is a game, not a game that you win or lose once, it is a constant of wins and losses, seems the true contest lies in who can recover or hold on through all the hard stuff and carry on to the next ingestion of agony or bliss.

"war has forced me into action"

as i watch the contents of my marriage spill away, i cease to care.
listening to an episode of "this American life" i heard those words: "war has forced me into action", it feels completely applicable to my life right now. things have so deteriorated that i see no more that i can do, one person in a marriage can only do so much, if both people aren't working to move forward and heal, there is no way to go forward together. we are not a team.
not caring allows me to start planning for a happier life, and whatever i end up creating for myself, and my daughter will allow for good things to come in. whether or not we end up leaving in the end, creating something for myself will begin to fulfill me and open doors that i had closed on myself.
my first task is finding a job, maybe it won't be soulful, but that's okay for now.
once i am settled in some work, i can start saving up to find a place to live. and that right there is part of the problem, i am not living, i have been coasting through life waiting for things to happen, never proactive.
so here i am, forced into action. i am job searching. taking the first necessary step towards creating a life.

my mission statement

i am 38 years old and i have been waiting most of that time for my purpose to strike me.

this past year i decided that i wanted to find a way to support and nurture other women, i wanted to connect women with resources and a support system, to enable and fortify their inner strength. i have so many special women in my life and have always wanted to connect them, because they all offer such special knowledge and gifts. i want it to be bigger than my immediate life, i want all women to share in the blessings and know women who build each other up.  

there are times when we falter in life and don't know where to reach to steady ourselves, to find the answers that are not evident to us.

i know that when i stumble there is someone who can help guide me towards the answers that i may or may not have inside, sometimes we need a little steering. there are times when we should be seeking the help of others, but fear asking for it. 

for whatever reasons. 

but we are essentially "pack animals", we need each other, and together we can all move forward, bettering ourselves, and therefore the world around us. 

so here it is, 

my "mission statement": i endeavor to gather women together in a community, reaching as far as possible, bringing us together to embolden all, in the hopes of healing our wounded souls, and inevitably saving the world as we know it! we can make a better world for our children and the children around us if we all just band together.