as i watch the contents of my marriage spill away, i cease to care.
listening to an episode of "this American life" i heard those words: "war has forced me into action", it feels completely applicable to my life right now. things have so deteriorated that i see no more that i can do, one person in a marriage can only do so much, if both people aren't working to move forward and heal, there is no way to go forward together. we are not a team.
not caring allows me to start planning for a happier life, and whatever i end up creating for myself, and my daughter will allow for good things to come in. whether or not we end up leaving in the end, creating something for myself will begin to fulfill me and open doors that i had closed on myself.
my first task is finding a job, maybe it won't be soulful, but that's okay for now.
once i am settled in some work, i can start saving up to find a place to live. and that right there is part of the problem, i am not living, i have been coasting through life waiting for things to happen, never proactive.
so here i am, forced into action. i am job searching. taking the first necessary step towards creating a life.
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Ok so I think that leaving a comment is the only way I can post???
For those of you who shared our recent women's gathering: I got the job! I start on Monday. It is a job at an integrative wellness center, doing secretarial type work and being nourished by the wonderful realness and connection of the fellow women that work there and by my deep belief in the work that happens there. I feel great about investing my energy in this way.
My Mission Statement:
To be fiercely loyal to my heart and my health, multi-dimensionally. To fully embody the understanding that through giving this to myself I am truly of the most service to everyone I come into contact with as well as humanity as a whole. To be as undying and without doubt in my unconditional love of myself as I am with others. To know myself as the source of love itself. To be available and receptive, ready to serve at any moment.
As many of you also know, a special fellow has come into my life for the last 5 or so months. He returned from a trip to New York, in which he processed a lot of his relationship to me (and his resistance and fear of commitment) with the help of a therapist and psychic whom he trusts. What he came back with was a surprise that lead to a great deal of catharsis, confusion as well as deep awakening. What she, before he told her anything about the situation, was this: "This girl is a very powerful healer. She is not currently accepting her healing ability. She needs to accept this. It is not the right time for a romantic partnership between the two of you, but whatever you do, do not let go of her hand. Do whatever you can to assist her in accepting who she is..."
FUCK. Accept myself? But I want to hide in the safety of your arms!!! Nestle into my illusion of security, my stable man that I have been waiting for my whole life. The knight in shining armour who comes and makes everything better...
Neither of us have ever experienced the immensity of love that we feel together. Couple that with the best sex ever with old relationship patterns still sticking around that both of us need to break... and you've got quite a little growth tank...
Long story short, there have been tears. There have been panic attacks. He is not usually loyal to himself in these situations, and I have requested that he be at all costs. He is breaking his pattern of sacrificing himself to "rescue" others. He is letting himself be loved. I am letting go of the pressure and letting God. I have never felt so much joy in my life's work. Profound understanding of myself and the services that I have to offer to others are filtering into my body through my surrenderance to God and to the knowing that:
LOVE NEVER LEAVES
I no longer have to function out of fear of abandonment.
The way we love each other is beyond the simple context of romance, and we have vowed to not have sex unless there is a commitment... and to dedicate ourselves to exploring all the other avenues of intimacy between us. I have never had a boundary like this, where I had it simply to honor myself. Knowing that I don't just have to "take what I can get." He is willing and open and excited to look at all his dark, old stuff. He thought he was doing that. Then he met me. Realized he actually wasn't. Our companionship is spiritual in its nature, and if we are meant to be romantic partners, having so much sex was pushing it too soon too fast. It was complicated.
I go between feeling deep fear and also knowing that I am in the exact perfect situation to potentiate and activate my life. He is successful in his career and in his role as an artist and is grounded and structured and is a hugely positive influence--- as I am for him in other ways.
Phew. That is the update. It felt good to write it all out to you all.
I am available these days. Available to listen and love and play. Please don't hesitate to reach out.
Gwen, I am reminded of something my teacher Daisy says... "The disillusion of form is an auspicious sign..."
Whether your marriage ends or not, it definitely sounds like you are going through a rebirth. I hope that you are feeling supported through this. Hope to see you sometime soon!
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